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Philadelphia, PA — The life of the traveling man robot aptly named hitchBOT came to an abrupt, tragic, senseless end over the weekend, when the unaccompanied automaton was found face down (or, more accurately, face off) in a Philadelphia, PA ditch. An unidentified passerby noticed the dismembered and decapitated body on her daily walk for morning coffee.

“I was just heading back from Federal Donuts, which has a great cup of coffee that actually comes from PT’s Coffee Roasting Co. It’s a treat in the summer because Federal cold-brews it with a Japanese siphon tower. But what I really go there for is the fantastic fried chicken and donuts.”

Police, who, coincidentally enough, were also returning from Federal Donuts, knew at once by the disassembled state of the robot, that it was dead. Their preliminary investigation determined that hitchBOT died as a result of a Severe 1d10T Violation, which often occurs when someone in the US finds something unattended that doesn’t belong to them.

The little robot had successfully traversed more than 6,000 miles through Europe and Canada without any damage or subjection to questionable acts. However, along with dismemberment, the Philadelphia medical examiner’s office has suggested that there is evidence of sexual assault.

“It’s a curious world we live in,” said one medical examiner, who asked to remain anonymous. “I thought my brother-in-law was weird, but this takes the cake.”

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